Archive by Author

Overcoming Fear of Public Exercise

30 Apr

Many people, particularly women, fear starting an exercise program. If you are shy about exercising in public, you are not alone. Allow me to ease your fears!

Fear #1: “I am embarrassed about my body/appearance.”

As a fitness instructor, I see all types of bodies. Bodies truly do come in all shapes and sizes, and ALL bodies are amazing! I am constantly in awe of our biological machines. Your body moves you from place to place. Your heart and lungs work 24/7 without you telling them to! Your skin and bones and organs regenerate. Your wounds heal. EVERY body is a miracle and a wonder.

Many women, especially, are concerned about extra fat they may be carrying in one area or another. Sometimes, for a variety of reasons, we can put on more fat than is healthy. But it’s not the freakin’ end of the world, people. What’s so bad about fat, anyway? Yes, if you are carrying so much fat that it is negatively impacting your health, there is a reason for concern. But most people don’t walk around ashamed about their high cholesterol levels. Most of the time we’re concerned about how we look. I have to tell you, the meanest things I’ve heard people say about fat are things people have said about themselves. STOP IT. You don’t deserve that kind of abuse.

The problem with hating your body is that you stop living your life. If you are telling yourself: “I can’t exercise/socialize/wear nice clothes/apply for that job/date that person/etc. because of my body and how it looks.” then you are probably not very happy. And if you think you are not happy because of your body and how it looks, think again. You are probably unhappy because of all the opportunities that you are CHOOSING not to take. Choose life, my friends. Even if if feels uncomfortable, just take baby steps. Put one foot in front of the other until you look up and realize, “Hey! I’m doing it! I’m living life!”

You’d be amazed at how little connection there is between body image and what a person actually looks like. Some of my thinnest, most toned students are the most concerned about “fat” (not an issue for them) on their bodies. If you can’t be happy with yourself until you look like models in magazines, you’ll never find it. Because those images aren’t real:

When it comes to exercise, if you have not been training, be kind to your body and choose a workout for beginners. Find a trainer or a class where you feel comfortable and supported (if you’re in Madison, WI check out Villari’s Martial Arts– not a fashion show, come as you are!). Once you start moving, I promise your relationship with your body will move forward as well.

Fear #2: “I might sweat/turn red/pant/burp/fart/or otherwise embarrass myself during exercise.”

Uh, yeah. I hope you will sweat and breathe hard during exercise! It feels amazing! What a rush when your body heats up and you feel that blood pumping– that’s what working out means! You work out your body to work out stress, toxins, sluggish digestion, low energy, anxiety, boredom, etc. That’s your body coming alive! And yeah, sometimes people fart or burp in exercise classes. I have never in my years of training seen one person point and laugh (ok, that did happen once between two 8-year-olds in my kids’ kung fu class…). Might you feel awkward for a moment? Possibly. Will your life end? Definitely not. EVERY body has the same basic functions, including the awkward ones. You are not alone in that, I promise.

Fear #3: “I won’t be able to keep up because everyone else knows more and is more fit.”

If you have never exercised on purpose before, you need to find a beginner-level class or a trainer who specializes in working with beginners. A competent teacher/trainer will never ask your body to do anything it can’t handle. That being said, all bodies have different strengths and weaknesses. Some bodies are very strong but lack endurance. Some bodies are very flexible but lack strength. You get the idea. Work to your strengths.

If you are paralyzed by fear, start with something you know you can do. Walking is a wonderful place to start. Walk 5 minutes at a casual pace to warm up and practice upright posture, then push your speed and swing your arms until you are breathing hard and sweating. Maintain as close as you can to that pace for 20 minutes. Finish with a 5 minute cool-down walk. Repeat that workout 3-6 times per week, adding speed or distance if you feel like it. You will improve your fitness AND your confidence.

If you read this paragraph and though to yourself, “I’m not that out of shape…” then you don’t have to worry about starting a fitness class or program. Just be kind to yourself and remember that everyone had a first day.

Fear #4: “I will look silly because I am uncoordinated.”

I have worked with so many beginners. Some are more coordinated than others. As an instructor, I analyze movement and provide corrections. I don’t place judgement. My least coordinated beginners have often become star students! And at my studio, other students are always supportive. When you look for a place to exercise/learn an activity, look for a place that feels safe to you. Follow your gut. Some places are better than others, and when you find a good one, you won’t need to worry about looking silly because your peers and instructors/trainers will be nothing but supportive of your growth in fitness.

Fear #5: “I won’t fit in or make friends because other people will be clique-y and/or mean.”

Not everyone is in it for the social aspect, but if you want to make friends at your exercise class it’s the same deal as any other situation. Say hello and introduce yourself. Be nice. Small talk is easier because you have something in common. “How long have you been doing this? This is my first day and I’m nervous…” Talking to other students/members about their experience is also a good way to feel out the vibe of a place. If people are nice to you, that’s one more reason to keep doing it. If they are not nice, remember it’s not you, it’s them. Either they are very shy/awkward or they are kind of a jerk. At that point you get to decide if this is a class/gym you want to join or not. And sometimes it’s worth trying a week instead of just one class. Maybe one instructor is very introverted so their class has a different feel. Maybe you have more in common with the Thursday night group than the Wednesday night group. Dare to find out! You just might have fun.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM)

5 Apr Speaking at Take Back The Night rally, April 2010

Hello to my powerful, dynamic readers! Did you know? It’s April aka SAAM aka a great time to attend free events that are open to the public that provide information and insight about the social problem of sexual violence. And you KNOW I’m gonna be at those Madison, WI events!! Here’s the schedule… I hope you’ll join me!

Chimera Self Defense Designed for Women – April 11th from 4:00-6:00 p.m. at Madison East High School.

Chimera teaches women of all cultures, ages, backgrounds, and physical abilities that they have the right and ability to protect themselves from violence. Space is limited in this FREE workshop. Call (608) 251-5126 x10 to register or email Chimera@danecountyrcc.org. Sponsored by the Rape Crisis Center.

Excerpts from Film “Very Young Girls” – April 13th at 6:30 p.m. at Lussier Community Education Center.

Excerpts from the film “Very Young Girls” features the Director of G.E.M.S. (Girls Education Mentoring Services) in New York City as she works to help girls who are victims of sex trafficking. Producers of this documentary hope to change the way law enforcement, the media and society as a whole view sexual exploitation, street prostitution, and human trafficking that is happening right in our own backyard. Light dinner served before viewing. Post-film viewing discussion facilitated by Annette Sallay of Project Respect. April 13, 2012, dinner at 6:30 p.m., film viewing at 7:00 p.m. at the Lussier Community Education Center 56 South Gammon Road, Madison, WI. For more information contact annette@respectmadison.com, or (608) 283-6435 x10. Sponsored by Project Respect.

 SAFE (Yes! I will be teaching this!) Self-Defense Class Fundraiser for Lilada’s Livingroom- April 15th from 3:00-6:00 p.m. at Monona Terrace.

A women’s empowerment event to raise funds and awareness about sexual assault and violence against women. In this fun and dynamic class, women will learn to recognize and avoid dangerous situations, communicate assertively, escape various grabs/holds and strike with power and accuracy in a safe, women-only space.
• Great Entertainment!
• Fabulous Door Prizes!
• Women of all ages and stages!
The proceeds raised from this event will help to fund Lilada’s Livingroom healing services to young survivors of sexual abuse and our Teen Mom Empowerment Programs.
Suggested Donation: $5 for students, $10 for adults
ADDITIONAL DONATIONS WELCOME!
Please make donations via:
www.gofundme.com/LiladasLivingroom

Sponsored by Lilada’s Livingroom.

 Keynote Speaker, Jaclyn Friedman – April 17th at 7:00 p.m. at UW Memorial Union (TITU).

Jaclyn Friedman, editor or “Yes Means Yes(and one of my heroes!) will be speaking about her new book “What You Really Really Want“. Her interactive presentation discusses the mixed messages that women receive daily about sex and safety, “separating fear from fact, decoding the dangerous message all around us, and discovering a healthy personal sexuality.” (I will be there as a representative of the Dane County RCC!) For more information email uwpaveoutreach@gmail.com.Sponsored by UW PAVE (Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment).

Cover art from http://www.wyrrw.com

(I will be speaking at this!) Take Back the Night – April 19th at 5:00 p.m. on UW Madison Campus

A broad-based community event that will focus on violence in our communities. It will include a march to the state capitol, speakers, a candlelight vigil, and a speak out. For more information visit UW Campus Women’s Center.Sponsored by UW Campus Women’s Center.

Speaking at Take Back The Night rally, April 2010

 Healing through Art and Movement – April 20th from 4:00-6:00 p.m. at 16 N. Hancock Street, Downtown Madison.

Come to an open house and explore creative experience that promote creativity and vitality. Art therapist Laura Teoli will talk about experiental treatment for depression, anxiety, and eating disorders at Rogers Memorial Hospital. Grace Valentine and Tara Rollins, dance/movement therapists at Hancock Center, will talk about the importance of grounding, finding reconnection with the body, and experiencing the joy of movement. Light refreshments will be served. RSVP appreciated but not required. For more information, please call (608) 251-0908 or email grace@hancockcenter.net.

 RCC Spark – An Online Auction to Benefit RCC - April 23rd

A group of concerned Dane County residents are hosting an online auction, RCC Spark, to help the RCC. Local goods and services, memorabilia from national celebrities (Elton John, Lisa Loeb, Kenny Rogers, Cheap Trick) plus many fun experiences and meals with local VIPs (Rep. Peter Barca, Matt Rothschild) will be up for bid. Winning bidders donate their high bid amount directly to RCC. All items/services will be revealed and open for bidding for one week, beginning April 23rd at noon. Auction ends April 30th. For more information, please contact Meg Rothstein at megrothstein@gmail.com.

 ”The Purity Myth” – April 26th at 7:00 p.m. at UW Memorial Union.

A documentary based on Jessica Valenti‘s hit book, “The Purity Myth“, is a critique of society’s obsession with virginity and how it affects girls and women. For more information, email uwpaveoutreach@gmail.com. Sponsored by UW PAVE (Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment.

 Sexual Health Fest – April 27th from 10:00am-4:00 p.m. at Library Mall.

Resource fair with tables from many organizations. I’ll be there repping the Dane County Rape Crisis Center from 12:30-4pm! Sponsored by UW Madison Sex Out Loud.

 Voices of Courage Awards Luncheon – April 28th from 12:00-2:00 p.m. at Bethel Lutheran Church located on 312 Wisconsin Avenue, Madison.

The Voices of Courage Awards Luncheon recognizes the extraordinary work being done throughout Wisconsin and honors the outstanding work of individuals and organizations that have exceeded the highest standards in their efforts to end sexual violence and support survivors. Tickets are $20.00 per person. For more information, please visit the event page at WCASA – Voices of Courage Awards Luncheon. Sponsored by WCASA.

 Wrap Around the Capitol – April 28th from 2:00-3:00 p.m. at the North Hamilton entrance of the Capitol, Madison.

Wrap Around the Capitol, 2:00-3:00 p.m., Saturday, April, 28th North Hamilton entrance of the Capitol building, Madison. We will encircle the Capitol to show our support for survivors of sexual violence in the observance of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. We will meet at the North Hamilton entrance immediately following the Voices of Courage Award Luncheon. For more information, visit WCASA.

 Big Read, selections of “What You Really Really Want” by Jaclyn Friedman – April 30th (I’ll be there!) and May 1st at 7:00 p.m. at UW Memorial Union (TITU).

Using research, reality-based advice, revealing quizzes and creative exercises, “What You Really Really Want” will show readers the way to separate fear from fact, decode the dangerous messages all around us, and discover a healthy personal sexuality. For more information, email uwpaveoutreach@gmail.com. Sponsored by UW PAVE (Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment).

Villari’s Martial Arts for Best of Madison!

16 Feb Best Of Madison

FINALLY! My martial arts studio, Villari’s Martial Arts, is on the ballot for Best of Madison 2012 and I thought I’d do a little shameless but truly heart-felt promotion here because let’s face it– I think we ARE the best. Here’s why we deserve your vote:

TOP 5 REASONS TO LOVE VILLARI’S MARTIAL ARTS OF MADISON

1) Over 20 years serving the community from the heart of Madison, WI.

We’ve been located at 532 State Street since 1989. Over the past 23 years we have taught countless martial arts, kickboxing and self-defense classes to thousands of people. Our self-defense and empowerment focus has helped our students to build confidence as well as physical fitness and mind-body connection. We have trained all groups of people– children, adults, law enforcement, athletes, folks with developmental disabilities and folks with limited mobility. We have helped people to lose weight, rehab injuries, and feel great about their successes. We have made donations over the years to local organizations including Special Olympics, Dane County Rape Crisis Center, Domestic Abuse Intervention Services, and more. We have offered free workshops to student organizations and non-profits. We have demonstrated that we care about our community.

2) The largest, most highly-trained group of black belt and master instructors you will find at any martial arts school in Wisconsin.

Most martial arts schools have a handful of black belts if they are lucky, and very few are home to master instructors (5th degree or higher). Check out our black belt instructor list:

7th degree master instructor and studio founder: Mary Murphy Edwards

5th degree master instructors: Marcus Meier and Jennifer Endres Way

3rd degree senior instructors: Wave Kasprzak (Martial Arts Director- testing for 4th in April), Ali Treviño-Murphy (Outreach Director) and James Nettum

2nd degree instructors: Ginny Divine (Office Director- testing for 3rd in April), Troy Theis (Kickboxing Director), Ted Glomski and Trisha Vanatta (temporarily inactive)

1st degree instructors (testing for 2nd in April): Robert Green, Curtis Rueden (kickboxing)

That’s 3 master instructors plus 9 black belt instructors. Most of our 2nd degrees and above have over 8 years of experience. Our 3rd degrees and above have over 12 years of experience. Master Murphy has over 30 years of experience. You can see, as a group, we have a lot of experience!

3) Shaolin Kempo Karate and SAFE offer the best of self-defense.

Shaolin Kempo Karate, our main style of martial arts, is a mixed style founded by Grandmaster Fred Villari that was designed with self-defense in mind. When Grandmaster Villari founded his system in the 60′s, it was considered extremely taboo both to mix styles and to declare yourself a martial arts grandmaster. Villari legitimized his style through inspiring self-defense success stories over the decades, including training law enforcement and military who reported using what they learned to save their lives in many instances.

SAFE combines the best of martial arts principles with an in-depth understanding of the dynamics of violence against women in our society.

4) Our kickboxing program was the first of its kind in Madison, and yes– it’s the best!

We founded our kickboxing program in 1999 during the national cardio kickboxing frenzy. Unlike cardio kickboxing taught at gyms, where instructors can become certified in an afternoon, our classes are taught only by martial artists (including 3 black belts right now). We teach proper technique for striking with power to vulnerable targets– essential skills for self-defense. We also hit heavy bags for resistance training. Our kickboxers don’t just build muscle– they build skill!

5) The warmest, fuzziest place to hit people!

Our community is friendly, welcoming and supportive. Anyone who joins us is treated as part of the group. We genuinely care for one another, and treat one another well. Why else would people stick around for decades? This year, we are transitioning into becoming a worker-owned cooperative. Although martial arts involves a hierarchy of belts, our instructors are not about ego. We work as a team and we treat our students with respect.

 

Thank you for your vote!

Do Women “Cry Rape”?

2 Feb

No. Women do not cry rape. This is not my opinion- this is a fact. There are many reasons why people, and especially many men, fear that women lie about sexual assault and they may not be the reasons you would think.

Fact: Rape is not falsely reported at any higher rate than any other crime. The rate of false reports is 2%, the same percentage as false reports of robbery.

“So why have I heard/assumed/felt like women cry rape until now?

Reasons most people don’t understand sexual assault as a crime:

1. Most people don’t understand what TRAUMA means. This makes victims look bad. *TRIGGER WARNING*

Trauma is a normal response to a highly stressful situation, especially if that situation is sudden or unexpected, if the person feels helpless or fears for their safety, and/or if the person feels unprepared to deal with the situation. All these causes of trauma come together for a victim of sexual assault, particularly when, as is most common, the victim knew and/or trusted their attacker prior to the crime.

Some effects of trauma that greatly complicate reporting sexual assault are:

Freezing/dissociating- victims of sexual assault often report feeling in such a state of shock that they literally lost the ability to speak (i.e. couldn’t say the word “no” or “stop”), let alone fight off their attacker. They often report feeling that they left their bodies and experienced the attack as though they were watching it happen to someone else. Because of this, the legal definition of CONSENT is “a freely given ‘yes’,” not the absence of a ‘no’. Unfortunately for victims, most people, including those on juries, do not understand this issue.

Shock, denial, or disbelief- many victims do not recognize what happened to them as sexual assault until later, due to the trauma associated with the event.

Guilt, shame, self-blame- it is extremely common for victims to blame themselves for what happened to them, and unfortunately in this society, it is common for many other people to blame victims as well (i.e. the Toronto police officer whose victim-blaming comments launched the SlutWalk protest marches). Not only is this a reason that keeps victims from reporting, but it provides more evidence that no woman in her right mind would “cry rape” without fear of severe retaliation (anyone heard about the Texas cheerleader who lost in court to the school that forced her to cheer for her attacker?).

Confusion, difficulty concentrating, insomnia- even victims who were completely sober during their attacks often have trouble remembering exactly what happened to them in a linear way. This makes reporting difficult, and may make it appear to the uninformed observer that the victim is lying because she “doesn’t have her facts straight.”

Anxiety and fear- victims may feel and act jumpy or nervous when reporting, which again, to the ill-informed, may seem suspicious. Furthermore, due to intense and persistent fear (as a result of trauma), victims sometimes recant even when their story was true, making it seem difficult to believe.

2. Most people don’t understand what CONSENT means. This makes perpetrators not look so bad.

Consent means a freely given “yes”, not the absence of a no. After an attack, questions that outsiders often raise are, “Did she say no clearly? Did she fight? How hard did she fight? Was it really super duper crystal clear to him that she wanted him to stop?” Now that you understand what TRAUMA means, you know why this questions become largely irrelevant.

THERE ARE SEVERAL SITUATIONS IN WHICH A PERSON CANNOT LEGALLY GIVE CONSENT.

People under 18 years old (in the state of Wisconsin) cannot legally give consent. That means, even if a minor says “yes”, it is not legal to have any sexual contact with them, especially for an adult. That didn’t stop the New York Times from blaming an 11-year-old girl for her assault by multiple attackers last year.

People with a significant cognitive disability or who are otherwise unable to think clearly (i.e. dementia) cannot legally give consent. That means, even if they say “yes”, it is not legal to have any sexual contact with them, especially for a caregiver who is fully aware of their condition.

PEOPLE WHO ARE SEVERELY INTOXICATED CANNOT LEGALLY GIVE CONSENT. That means, if a person is so drunk/high that their eyes are rolling back in their head, their speech is slurred, they have trouble walking, they are vomiting or passing out, it is NOT LEGAL TO HAVE ANY KIND OF SEXUAL CONTACT WITH THEM even if they say “yes”, or even if you have had sex with that person in the past. So when a woman blacks out and realizes the next day that she was assaulted, her attacker (and everyone else) should know better than to argue, “She said yes, she just doesn’t remember.” Because EVEN IF SHE SAID YES, that “yes” did not count because she was TOO INTOXICATED to give consent, legally.

And for those of you out there wondering, “How is that fair? How can I know if someone is too intoxicated to have sex with?” Here’s your answer: if you have to wonder, if there is any doubt, DON’T DO IT. The consequences of misjudging just how drunk a person was are too severe for them (trauma) and for you (i.e. jail time and the life-long label of “sex offender”, along with the guilt of causing another human severe trauma).

Finally, consent is a PROCESS of communication between sexual partners that never ends. It’s not enough for someone to say yes at the beginning. That’s not a license for the other person to do whatever they want for as long as they want. Sexual partners have a legal and moral responsibility to continually monitor their partner’s body language to ensure their enthusiastic consent. If a person appears scared, uncomfortable, in pain, frozen, crying, etc. during sex STOP IMMEDIATELY and ask, “Are you okay? Do you want to keep doing this? Do you want to do something else?” and then listen to and respect the answer. If you don’t stop, THAT IS RAPE. Even if you are married.

I want to finish this post with a positive note about men. There’s a stereotype that feminists hate men, and this is especially strong when we think of women who work in sexual assault prevention or victim services. I’ve been accused of being a man-hater once or twice, and I want to be very clear about this: I do not hate men. I love and respect men, actually. The vast majority of men are good, non-violent people. I know and work with so many wonderful men. Perpetrators are a small number of repeat offenders (usually), and I will even go as far as to give some of them the benefit of the doubt that maaaybe they didn’t fully understand what they were doing. Unless a man has been anally penetrated, I can understand how he might have a hard time understanding exactly how devastating rape is to the body and psyche of another person. Also many men get backwards ideas of what normal sex looks like from violent pornography and other media. This is not an excuse, however. Where perpetrators differ from the majority of men (and yes, women can be perpetrators too, but let’s face it over 90% of sexual assault is committed by men regardless of the gender of the victim) is that for most men, if they are having sex and their partner appears to be in pain, they stop immediately. And I will make this point with people using themselves or men they know (if speaking with a woman) and they almost ALWAYS say, “Well, he’s a really special guy…” or “Well you can’t hold all men to the moral standard I hold myself to…” to which I have to say, “Whoa– and people think I hate men?” I don’t believe that men are sex-crazy animals with no self-control. I don’t believe that they are morally inferior to women. I think more highly of men than that, and it’s time that all of us start holding EVERYONE to the same moral standards when it comes to sexual assault. Stop questioning the victim. Start questioning the perpetrators.

One-Time Workplace Harassment

28 Dec

Legally, to be considered sexual harassment in the workplace, unwanted sexual attention must be repeated to create a hostile work environment. Or it must be “severe”, which is in the eye of the beholder. So what do you do if you are harassed just once?

Whether it is one-time or frequent, I believe it is worthwhile to confront your harasser directly. For many people, the thought of confronting someone about anything directly causes severe, skin-crawling anxiety. I get it. It’s not your favorite thing to do and that is understandable. Here’s why you should do it anyway:

1) Practice makes perfect. The more times you stand up for yourself, draw and defend your boundaries, and face your fears, the easier it gets. Skeptical? Don’t take shit from people for 3 weeks and see if you ever go back. Trust me. It is a huge relief to let go of all the things you have been too scared or unsure of yourself to say.

2) Clearly stating that behavior is unwanted is the first step to legal action. If your confrontation works, you won’t have to deal with harassment from this person again. If it doesn’t work, you can document the incident and begin to build a case against this person because their behavior is now officially sexual harassment.

3) It’s empowering. As women, we are not really taught to defend ourselves from anything (with some exceptions). We are taught that we should find someone else to defend us. Tell the boss. Whatever. It’s refreshing to take control of our own destinies and just say to that person who is harassing us, “Hey! What you just said/did was completely inappropriate/offensive. It is not okay for you to speak to me/treat me that way and I don’t want this to happen again.”

Looking for more tips on how to speak up?

How To Be Polite Without Inviting Unwanted Attention

Sexual Harassment By Customers: What To Say

The Word “NO”– Always A Classic!

Review: What You Really Really Want By Jaclyn Friedman

8 Dec

Cover art from http://www.wyrrw.com

What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Guide to Shame-Free Sex and Safety by Jaclyn Friedman is a valuable and accessible guide for women to finding happy, healthy sexuality despite societal pressures to live with the “terrible trio: shame, blame and fear.”

Jaclyn Friedman is one of the most prominent 3rd wave feminist writers and thinkers of our time. A former IMPACT self-defense instructor, she may be best known for co-editing with Jessica Valenti the ground-breaking book Yes Means Yes: Visions of A World Without Sexual Assault. With Yes Means Yes, a compilation of essays, Friedman and Valenti brought into popular discussion the idea that in order to create a world without sexual assault, we need to create a world in which women are equally free to say yes as we are to say no. In her new book, released in November 2011, Friedman helps readers to evaluate what it is exactly that they want to say yes and no to (which will likely change over time), and hardest of all, exactly how to have those conversations with sexual partners.

Sexuality is such an intimate and vulnerable topic that any book on the subject, particularly a how-to guide, needs to meet the basic requirement of making the reader feel safe. Friedman walks a perfect balance. She does not hold back from stating some facts and expert opinions that might make some readers uncomfortable, yet she recognizes and honors the diversity of her readership and never tells the reader what decisions she should make in her own life.

Friedman uses two main teaching tools throughout her guide: 1) Writing exercises throughout each chapter allow the reader to delve as deeply as she wants. These are an accessible jumping off point for self-discovery and make the book customizable to the individual. 2) Stories and feedback from a diverse group of women who workshopped the book throughout the writing process bring a variety of voices and experiences to each chapter. Sometimes funny or sexy, sometimes painful, these additions bring the book to life.

What impressed me most about this book was the breadth of content covered in such a concise, readable way. Friedman’s voice comes through as your friendly, approachable, sometimes laugh-out-loud funny tour guide through a whole world of ideas about sexuality. Although the intended audience is young women (I plan to give this book to my little sister when she becomes a teenager), women of all ages will find places for reflection and growth in this guide. Men, too, could gain sensitivity and understanding from reading this book– or maybe find themselves asking the same question of what it is they really really want!

If you’re still not sure whether or not this book is for you, check out the introduction at the companion site. It starts off with a quiz that you can score yourself to know if you should read WYRRW (my vote: you should!). The site is also packed with handy resources referenced throughout the book. So go ahead! Pick up a copy or two (one for a friend!) and check it out for yourself.

*If you’re in Madison, WI– please support our local independently-owned feminist book store by buying your copy there!

My First Blog-iversary!

17 Nov

Today marks my first year of blogging at SAFE Women and Girls. I’ve learned a lot about writing, the feminist blogosphere, Twitter, women, friends and myself. In this Blog-iversary special I’ll share highlights from my first year.

I started this blog as a supplement to my SAFE Women’s Self Defense classes at Villari’s Martial Arts, but it quickly morphed into something bigger than that. Check out my top 5 most widely read posts to see what I mean:

1) Too Muscular? Is That A Thing Now?

2) Men Who Want To Protect Women

3) Chicago SlutWalk Highlights

4) How To Love Push Ups (Even If You Can’t Do One Now)

5) On SlutWalks And Sisterhood

To the casual reader, these posts may not seem to be related to self defense. Where’s the screaming “NO!”? (Actually, you can just say it your normal voice most of the time.) Where do I tell women not to avoid alcohol and shadowy shrubbery? (I don’t.) Where do I say “Kick ‘em in the nuts!”? (Here.)

The reality is that self defense (while empowering) is a small part of the solution to some big problems in our society. If we want to create a world without sexual assault and other gendered violence, we need to open our focus. For example, one of my favorite writers Jaclyn Friedman (feminist and IMPACT self defense instructor) just published her second book– What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame-Free Guide To Sex And Safety (stay tuned for my review in a week or two). She has been one of the most prominent voices arguing what should be obvious– that we simply can’t have a productive conversation about sexual violence without talking openly about sex AND “that authentic sexual liberation is a necessary condition to end the systemic sexualization and violation of women.” (From JF’s bio)

I consider myself to be a person of above-average confidence, but blogging challenges a person to be confident on a higher level. You are putting stuff OUT THERE and anyone can read it and respond anonymously in any way they see fit. (Anyone follow the #mencallmethings trend?)

My friends know very well that I have two main mantras for life: 1) “Follow your heart” and 2) “Safety first”. (Okay 3 if you count my self defense mantra “HIT ‘EM IN THE FACE!”) In my writing over the past year I have done very well with numbers 2 and 3, but I have to say after starting to read JF’s new book that I have held back from fully expressing my opinions in some areas for fear that my blog will be seen as too controversial, too radical, or too sexy.

That brings me to my New Blog Year’s Resolutions:

1) I will no longer avoid writing what I know to be true even if it might make someone uncomfortable.

2) I will try to include more interviews, guest blogs, and photos than last year.

3) I will make more connections with like-minded bloggers.

4) I will write my first book. Or e-book. Wish me luck!

Thank you so much to those of you who have been readers and friends this year! I invite you to celebrate SAFE’s first blog-iversary with me by commenting, sharing, subscribing, or following SAFE on Twitter (a_tm) or Facebook (SAFE Women and Girls).

How To Avoid Creepers In The Gym

24 Oct

As a fitness instructor, nothing infuriates me more than hearing stories of women getting creeped on in the gym.

NOT OKAY. And you don’t have to take it. This is not a fact of life. This is harassment.

The gym is a place where you should feel safe, supported and empowered. If that’s not how you feel at your gym, it may be time to shop around.

Please consider the following:

1) There is absolutely never an excuse for you to tolerate harassment when you are PAYING for services. In a gym setting, it is the management’s JOB to keep you safe and make you feel welcome.

2) If it feels creepy, it is creepy. Don’t waste your time and energy playing the, “Is it in my head? Maybe he’s trying to be nice…” game. Life is short. You are busy. You know a creeper when you see one and it’s not your mission in life to take care of their feelings.

3) Businesses should have sexual harassment policies in place to protect both their employees and their customers. At my studio, our instructors watch to make sure that students treat one another with respect. When students approach any of us with concerns about classmates’ behavior, we take immediate action to deal with the situation in a way that makes the person who has been harassed the most comfortable. Usually this has involved having a conversation with the person whose behavior is inappropriate.

Once, a young man tried to bond with one of our male kickboxing instructors by saying, “I’m only here to pick up girls. I tried it before with yoga but that didn’t work out so I thought I’d give this a try.” The instructor firmly stated that the women at our studio were here to work out and that they were not interested in that kind of attention. He explained that “pick up” behavior is distracting, uncomfortable and inappropriate in this setting. The young man stopped attending classes shortly after that, and we were 100% satisfied with the outcome. We would rather lose one customer than have several people feeling uncomfortable.

Steps to take if you experience creeping or other harassment at your gym or class:

1) Report the incident to the instructor/manager. Ask if they have a harassment policy. If not, be clear about what you would like to see happen from this action. “Will someone from the gym please talk to this person and ask him not to stare at other members? Please let me know when that conversation has happened.”

If the behavior continues…

2) Try again. “You know, on (date of last complaint) someone told me they would address this situation. Did that happen? I’m still experiencing harassment and that’s not something I should have to deal with as a paying customer.”

If the behavior continues…

3) Last chance. “I’ve now complained twice about this issue and it has not been resolved. If this is not addressed I will be leaving this gym (and telling everyone I know exactly why I left).”

OR you could take the shortcut and deal directly with the creeper.

“Hey! Stop staring at me.”

 

 

 

Halloween Safety on Campus

10 Oct

What’s the one time of year when your attacker is most likely to be wearing a mask?

You guessed it: Halloween. Other than that it’s not very likely, despite popular mythology.

I live in Madison, Wisconsin and Halloween is the one time of year that is crazier downtown than Badger football Saturdays. State Street draws tens of thousands of raucous out-of-towners in costume. Up until 2006, things were so out of hand that the city had to grease street lights to prevent partyers from shimmying up them and some rioting crowds were tear gassed. Finally the city formalized the event, fenced in the area with aggressive lighting, and sold tickets. Since then the number of arrests has declined significantly, along with attendance.

Now I don’t know about your state, but mine has a serious drinking problem. It gets more severe in any sort of holiday or celebration setting, like Halloween for example. When people are drinking heavily and wearing disguises, I would hope that my readers would know to raise a red flag.

Here are some tips to make Halloween fun AND safe (my favorite!):

1) Drink responsibly, as usual. Or not at all.

2) Consider mobility when choosing your costume. If you can’t move very well, it makes you more vulnerable.

3) When meeting new people who are masked, ask to see their face. It’s not weird– you’re meeting a person, not a gorilla mask or whatever it may be. That way if that person turns creepy, you could describe them to police.

4) Follow your instincts and have fun!

Happy Halloween! Be safe! Make good choices! ;)

 

 

Preventing Teen Dating Violence

1 Oct

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. As kids are heading back to school, it is important to remember that teens experience dating violence too.

1 in 4 adolescents reports experiencing teen dating violence, according to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. As with adults, this violence can include a pattern of emotional, physical or sexual abuse.

Emotional abuse attacks the victim’s self-esteem through put downs, humiliation, controlling their behavior, or keeping them away from friends and family.

Physical abuse might look like slapping, pushing, grabbing, throwing, hitting, shaking or choking.

Sexual abuse could include unwanted touching, peeping, nude photos or forced sex acts.

Both victims and perpetrators of teen dating violence can experience serious consequences such as depression, decreased interest in school or other activities, drug and/or alcohol abuse and risky sexual behaviors. Teens who are involved in unhealthy relationships as they are growing up are much more likely to experience a pattern of unhealthy relationships as adults, making this a serious community issue.

Warning signs that a teen may be a victim of teen dating violence may include:

  • Spending less time with friends or family
  • Making excuses for a dating partner’s behavior
  • Trouble succeeding in school or work
  • Dramatic change in weight or appearance

Only 40% of teen girls and 32% of teen boys who were victims of teen dating violence asked for help. One of the reasons for this is that teens don’t want to talk with adults about dating issues—in fact, less than 1 in 4 teens have had a conversation with their parents about teen dating violence. Parents can help teens by helping them to feel good about themselves, listening to them without judgment or criticism, and modeling positive relationship behaviors.

Healthy relationships involve equality, respect, honest and open communication and independence for both partners.

Sometimes, traditional ideas about what is normal for men and women can be a barrier to forming healthy relationships. If a teenage boy believes that the man should make all the decisions and control the woman’s life, he might be at risk for perpetrating teen dating violence.

Warning signs that a teen may be a perpetrator of teen dating violence may include:

  • Threatening to hurt others in any way
  • Insulting a dating partner in public or in private
  • Thinking that violence is a solution to problems
  • Breaking things or a dating partner’s belongings

There are consequences for perpetrators, too. They could be expelled from school or even face jail time.

Parents, teachers and others who work with youth can help prevent teen dating violence. For more information see www.vetoviolence.org/datingmatters. If you or someone you know is experiencing relationship violence, please contact your local Domestic Violence Shelter. In Madison, it’s DAIS.

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